Falling and Dusting Yourself Off…
I am new to having any sort of freedom to socialize (it has been over 9 years) I decided that I would go out and live life. I set up dinners with friends, went to discussion groups, new friends I made I asked to do things on my days off from my kids. I was having a blast meeting new people and started to befriend a new group of friends. Unfortunately, I befriended someone that I shouldn’t have.
I tend to be very open with what is going on with me—Geeze you think? Look at this Blog.— and since High School I have not encountered anyone who lived for gossip or was overtly devious… I know… AMAZING isn’t it. I must have lived a sheltered life! lol. I kind of forgot there were people out there that lived for that kind of thing.
Anyway, I told this person something personal that I shouldn’t have. Well this person speculated on this … added to it other things he heard from some of the other friends in this group of people and IMed me with a rumor.
At first I freaked… because you know… the rumor poked at MY TRUTH the one I told him… I said OH no… Oh shit you are kidding me? Are you sure? Does anyone who was involved with this want to talk to me? He said yea and went on to tell me all these little details.
I ended up panicked…because I knew if he was telling me this he was also telling the other people involved AND PEOPLE WHO WERE NOT. I also wondered how much, if any, was true becuase I did trust the person this rumor was about.
To make a very long and painful story short… The lie snowballed, it became bigger, it got ugly. People involved in the rumor, who I didn’t even know but I had only heard good things about, got really upset. People involved that I cared about got angry.
I felt responsible because I made a mistake by trusting this guy and telling him something personal about me.
In the end… Gossip guy ended up spreading a nasty rumor about me! Shocker, eh? And the other friend of mine involved in the rumor and who I valued their opinion, said I was the one who brought it all on, because I trusted and befriended the gossip guy, then they cut contact with me!
I feel used… violated… angry… sad and truly horrified at the thought that I had any part in this. I trusted these people and put my heart, my friendship, and desires out to them. In the end I lost friends that I truly cared about and was deeply hurt.
I do realize that I did contribute to this mess. I did trust someone I shouldn’t have. I kept talking to gossip guy after I knew he was spreading rumors so that I could tell my friend, the one the gossip was about, and they could take care of it the way they wanted. I fucked up on many fronts. Even though I felt responsible, there was no way for me to fix this lie, because it was not my lie. Only gossip guy could fix that.
The only thing I can do is learn from this and move on. My counselor said that she thinks this was a good thing. That I’m better off without friends like that. She believes that I will in a shot period of time find a place where I do fit, where people value my friendship and like me for who I am. It is something to look forward to I suppose… but it doesn’t take the hurt away.
I learned not to be so quite so open with new people.
I learned not to be afraid to tell someone off when you truly feel that way.
I learned to observe people more closely when starting a new acquaintance, because I would have seen this guy as a gossip just from how he acted towards me if I had.
I will move on.
I will start over.
I will get out there and find my own group of people where I fit.