Lacy Danes

Sep 1
Emotions and Emotional Baggage…

Hey all, this is a pretty personal post but I felt I wanted to share something I recently experienced.

As you all know I have recently moved out on my own… Being a single mom, working a full time job and writing keeps me busy.
I have also recently started to date again and let me tell you there are some major losers out there. Men who when you start talking to them email you pictures of their penis and such. Any how… I have met a few men that have been normal and have agreed to dates.

Just recently while on a second date with a guy that I was really into, I mean REALLY into, I hit an issue from my past. Emotional baggage from my marriage that I thought had been long gone. The baggage brought up an insecurity in me. This insecurity shocked the hell out of me that it was still there. I had thought I had dealt with it. That it was no longer an issue in me. Anyhow it totally affected my date and I became emotional.

This guy was very understanding … but I was so blown away by the fact this insecurity popped up I was frankly, an emotional mess and didn’t see his words as understanding but latched on to anything he said that had the slightest negativeness. Then me, being me (The woman who is supposed to be strong), I felt I had to defend myself because I was feeling exposed, and venerable. What I really wanted from this guy, because I did like him and wanted to continue seeing him, was his support no matter how emotional/needy I got. Because I am recently on my own and adjusting to find my footing and I had been honest about that fact. Plus this phase of adjustment for me isn’t going to last forever … So I figured he would understand, he had been through divorce himself, and think I was worth a little bit of grief and wait.

But… Who am I kidding? What kind of guy out looking for fun is really willing to support a woman emotionally that they only met a few weeks prior?


So… I’m sure I came across as a clingy emotional psycho… Which I suppose is true for this moment in my life.

A male coworker of mine told me that dating is a game. No matter what people say it is. So that I need to be on my guard and prepare for the worst possible out of anyone I meet and hope for the best.

He said for my age and the situation I’m in now I will end up coming across two types of men…
The guy that is willing to wait out and stick with me and my emotions at the moment because they like me and see my potential.
The guy who will pretend to be there from the get go only to take advantage of the situation and dump me when the first signs of emotion pop up.

I don’t like to play games with my emotions. That was the reason why I left my marriage. Emotional Abuse. So how does a woman like me survive and wade through the dating game crap?

I don’t know. Do you have any suggestions?


3 comments to “Emotions and Emotional Baggage…”

  1. yep...
      · September 1st, 2006 at 11:37 pm · Link

    Don’t really think ya have been through the stages of grief; denial, anger, fear, pain, sadness, acceptance. No matter how much work ya do before I’ve been told it still takes a good year.

    What’s ya need to think about is getting healthy before you even think about dating…

    Healing after Divorce is not a process of “isn’t everything wonderful?” It is not a process of fluff; it can certainly “bring you to your knees.” The healing process calls for you to go to your inner self and feel the emotions that were so exceptionally painful that you ignored, denied, or remained “stuck” in.

    How you emerge is your choice. This choice will affect the quality of your life; this choice will be the filter for the rest of your days. Unless ya do this work, do ya think ya might even make the same choices again…

    a friend

  2. Lauren
      · September 2nd, 2006 at 8:08 pm · Link

    I think we’re all work in progress, you know? Just when you think you’ve dealt with something, it comes back. It’s what life is.

    And so okay, someone who just met you won’t know you enough to know the difference between processing and stalker, but over time, you’ll have more equipment to deal with those issues and you’ll find someone who’s willing to know you.

    You survive because you’re strong and you can’t do anything other than survive.

  3. Anonymous
      · September 17th, 2006 at 12:11 am · Link

    I recommend dance classes.


    After my divorce, I found that learning partner dancing was just what I needed. It forced me to get out and meet new people, but in the course of things I had a safe environment in which I could practice working with someone towards a shared goal. Each dance is a min–relationship: There’s small moments of intimacy and flirtation, the working together I mentioned, and after three or four minutes you thank your partner and walk away. You get better, you feel more confident and you make “dance friends”. Eventually you start dating someone from dancing and you’ve already got something you both enjoy doing which is healthy and which has some nice courtship.

    If you already dance, work on a style you haven’t already. It’s not just about the dancing, it’s about the learning from zero.

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