Difficult decisions and Emotional turbulence.
The last few days have been extremely difficult for me. I was put in a situation that I never imagined I would ever be in by a choice made by someone elaborately intertwined with me, someone I consider a family member. I am now left with a huge decision to make. Do I remove this relationship from my life because of the stupid choices and actions this person made, or do I forgive and accept this person for who they are even though the choices and actions hurt me and have now placed doubts/fears in the path of moving forward.
The reality is this decision is not simply my decision…another person, the one who I know and love deeply made these decisions, took the wrong actions. I have no clue what they will do to right the situation or if they can… but it is theirs to mend and they have said they really want to. I want them to right the situation… but that is out of my control.
I am one of those souls that takes a few days after something of this magnitude happens to figure out how I truly feel about a situation. I wish I was one of those lucky enough to know instantly what they felt. I am this way because of the way things were in my marriage to my X. I buried my emotions or talked myself out of everything I felt. Roll eyes. I no longer do that. I listen to me, my inner me, to make the right decisions for me now, but it takes me time.
I have had my kids for the last few days and they have been a God send… Making me laugh and hold myself together for them. I drop them off tonight at my X’s and I know the moment my key hits my lock tonight I will in all likely hood simply crack.
I can feel it… the welling of emotions I have bottled up over the last few days, pushing at the wall I have constructed to hold them at bay. Every time I think of this intense close relationship ending my eyes, my heart, and soul ache to the point of pain holding the emotions back. But the wall is bulging and tears trickle silently from my eyes… when I am alone tonight with no kids to hear me, the wall will crumble and all that emotion will rush forth in a storm that will cripple me from the inside out. But it needs to happen in order for me to feel and listen, and know what I truly want.
So if you are looking for me to chat on Friday night or Saturday… you will know where I will be… curled up in a ball alone, rocking back and forth on the floor and crying those soul deep gut twisting sobs until the tears stop. Then waiting for the next tide to hit…