Learning about yourself
Have you ever learned somethign about yourself that you just don’t like?
Recently I learnd just that…
I learned that I can be mean, evil, nasty, and well have very negative thoughts.
I have always been an optimist. A happy person with a positive outlook on the world and everyone in it.
I had an experiance happen to me that hurt… if you read back through my post you can see the hurt that happened back in July. Well that episode has stuck with me in some sense since then mainly becuase the person involved I really cared deeply about. I found it hard to fathom that anyone especial someone that I held in such high regard could have one. hurt me that bad and two totally been somone that I had no clue about.
I look back now and I do see the signs… but then I was naive.
through the months since then I have on several occasions sincerly tried to fix that situation… to give that person the benifit of the doubt and see those nice qualites in them again. The problem is I descovered that the hurt and anger at this person fogged all that was good. The trust was shattered.
I discovered through all of this thrashing back and forth that I can be evil towards someone when pressed to be. That it does go against my nature but that when my walls are up and I am hurt I can lash out at what ever I feel threated by. I also learned that a single act of evil is liberating and can give you a sense of wellbing of strenght, but if you let that attitude linger if you let it grab hold and fester it is distructive and hurtful far more to yourself than to the person you are holding the vengful grudge towards. (I held on to this feeling this want to hurt back for about 3 days. I know not long but it still took its toll.)