learning relation… and myself.
In your life have you ever been so confused as to what is going on, and how you are reacting to a situation that even though you know what you want… your fears, your confusion get in the way of your happiness?
This is the question and the falling out emotions from this troubling thought that has me in a spin out. I tend to put this HUGE, THICK, GIGANTIC wall up when I am scared of my feelings… When I fear what will happen if I let all those intense emotions out… When i am scared of being hurt. I suppose this is when I feel intensely vulnerable and most of the time because I have made mistakes(I fuck up) or I have insecurities about my judgment of others and their intentions.
I have discovered that this wall really does me no good. NONE. When it is in place, my soul pounds against it with fists until the bricks and my body are bloody and tear stained. I end up no closer to what I really need. I thrash in my emotions and my thoughts… grabbing for control of whatever I fear may hurt me. Thinking if I could just get reassurance that my fears are irrational, and if that declaration was said with force and sincerity, all my fears would fade and my wall would crumble down. (imagining a scene from some seventies movie. where the heroine is slapped on the face and the hero says “stop it you stupid woman. I love you and that is all that matters.” then he kisses her with force and she crumbles.)
I suppose on most levels this wall of mine is a normal and very human reaction. When you fear something you act not like yourself you try to protect your heart and soul. You become irrational and do things that are uncharacteristic to who you are deep down. You do emotionally destructive things… Especially when one has been hurt in love and who are we kidding haven’t we all been run through the mill on that at least once?
but… what I am realizing is whatever it is I fear, usually is not what ends up hurting me… it is ME and MY WALL and those attempts at distancing myself or of getting that reassurance I feel I so desperately need that pull me apart at the seems and leave me a puddle crying on the floor with no tissues.
sigh… that is one repeating record i never want play again in my life. But know I will… because that is life… LOVE is life and with LOVE comes pain.
now… I just need to figure out how to deconstruct the damn wall so i stop all that thrashing. Anyone have a sledge hammer?