Eek it has been a month!
Sorry I have not posted in so long I am in such a strange weird place at the moment… most of my life I am so very delighted with … I am happy with my relationship with my kids… happy with my writing… happy with my home…happy with my social life… Work is work but it could be much worse…I am dating a wonderful man… and have friends I would give my soul for.
Yet I keep having theses in tense panic filled dreams… where I am struggling with my inner soul and what the world thinks should be done… Dreams where I have lost opportunities to see my dreams become reality after traveling the hard path to success… these dreams make me think… did I make a mistake in a decision I made? Do I feel I should be punished for something I have done? Do I feel my life struggles are punishment for something I did? Or are my fears simply grabbing for control of me.
I am not typically someone who is easily suspicious/fearful. I am easy going and drama and such flip my world on it side. The lessoned drama in the past four months has been a relief of late yet something feels missing…
It is not a lack of spark…
it is not a lack of love…
it is not an unhappiness of soul.
I struggle with what it is my gut feels is missing and I have no idea how to figure out what it is.
My fear is I believe that past mistrust/disrespect and the fear of being made a fool for pushing those things aside plague me. Well that and the 10lbs that seem to not want to budge from my body since February of this year. Frown.
I have adored not being attached to the computer. It has leveled my life like nothing has in some time. Real people interactions are so much more satisfying than cyber ones.
Yet there is still this longing… this strange discomfort with what is now/present… I don’t know what will come of all these dreams and intense deep thoughts… I do know that it is something that I need to work through in order to find that contentment and ease of mind that seems to be eluding me.
Hope your world is calm and content.
Hugs and kisses,